dioception | IC Inbox/ DIO's Diary

Can you blame us, though?

[His smile has faded by now, Dio's brows knitting in concern.]

Every one of us has lost our homes, lovers, families. Our whole lives. We all arrive, grieving. Tensions run high. Things are said or done in desperation, in attempts to understand and to control our environment, and it often backfires spectacularly.

We've only been here a year. We still don't know our environment or what can be done with it. Some people desperately cling to the past, and some want to discard it completely.

The people who act like they're in charge are biased and those not in their circles are left out to dry.

Drama is more normal than downtime.

No. I don't blame you one bit.

[Her own smile had faded, and she leaned forward.]

None of you. I wouldn't be surprised if there were people angry at me because of some of the things I said.

But I...do wish, we could all talk to each other calmly, rationally. But I might be asking for too much. Especially when I can get pretty heated up, myself.

[ Today's actual physical gift is a tiny box with a set of peacock feather earrings in it. It arrives on Dio's bed at some point during the day - was it put there while he was asleep? who knows? - but resting under it is an envelope with a letter. ]

Dear Dio,

You wanted a novel or a speech from me, and I keep thinking about what it would say. The truth is, giving a public confession to another teenager that I have warm fuzzy feelings for is easier than doing the same to you, because those feelings are simple. What I feel for Masaki or what I feel for Sam, those are easy to make public because they're the same kind of feelings that any young man my age might have for a friend or classmate.

We aren't simple, you and I. We have never been simple, from the start. What I wanted to make a business deal was never just that, from the very first day we met when I became panicked that you would grow tired of me before you'd even pulled out. I was crying then. I was crying when I pulled the trigger, and crying when I decided to do it, and crying long before that when I decided to modify my body to make sure that I could remain useful to you, even if my body disappointed you or my inability to give you the total loyalty you wanted caused you to be sick of me.

We are not simple.

We will never be simple, however hard I try to come up with some way to define our relationship that would make any kind of sense.

I can't come up with some cute little soundbite about what I want from you. It's not dating. It's not a business deal. It's certainly not just being friends. It's all the things that I originally held back from you, the kisses and gentle touches and playful conversations that don't involve either sex or booze. It's everything I told myself I didn't need - not just from you, but from anyone - that it turns out I'm rather pathetically surviving without.

Those aren't the only things I want though. That's the trouble of it. You met the side of myself that I hide from other people a lot first. The side that desperately wants to be wrecked by you. I do, you know. I want you to take me apart, some days. I want marks from your teeth, your nails, and I want the heavy weight of you over my body, and I want your hands around my neck.

You asked me about your tentacles. You used them that first day. I remember. I don't know if you bother thinking about that day, or any day we were together since, but I do. I remember sitting there in your lap and having your fingers sink into my flesh, and then being squirmed into by those strange appendages.

In my fantasies, you use them on me everywhere. In my fantasies, you feed at my throat with your teeth while your fingers find purchase elsewhere. In my fantasies, they squirm into my cock, sometimes.

In my fantasies, you're not some nice person that doesn't have any urge to hurt anyone. Instead, you're the kind of person who takes that urge out on someone who likes it, who channels it into pleasure for a partner who also doesn't have to pretend to be a nice person. Between us, in my dreams, we create a safe space to be whatever we want, as terrible as we want, as broken as we want.

That's an inherently private thing. It's inherently intimate and not to be seen by others, that particular kind of safety. As much as I might be totally fine seeing you with other partners or you seeing me with other partners, or being fucked by you in alleyways or wherever we happen to be, when I dream about you taking me apart, letting me cry as much as I want and bleed as much as I want and scream for more even when I'm limp and exhausted and sore, that's always a private thought.

The problem is that I want to be all that I am with you, and you've never believed in anything else about me but that dark side. I'm trying to show you. I'm trying to tell you now, that I do also want other things from you. I want you to tear me apart and then kiss every wound, I want you to drink from me and fuck me and then pull me against your body and whisper that you appreciate me, everything I do, that I've been good and you've enjoyed me and that you're happy to be with me.

Is that too greedy, Dio? I don't ask you to love me. I don't ask you to attach your name to mine in some way, or put me first, or even let me choose what we do every time. I won't say I don't want anything from you, because that would be ridiculous. Of course someone who loves wants to be loved in return, but after what I've done and knowing your feelings for people far more worthy than myself, I never expect to hear those words from your lips.

Don't even speak those words to me in a lie, please.

But if you could keep using me any way you please, for my blood, for my body, and afford me such small mercies afterward that I myself foolishly refused before, that would be the best compromise I could think of for the place we are now.

All that aside, me aside, I meant every word I said to you about supporting you, and about being proud of you, and about wishing that you could have the love and attention of someone far more worthy than I who was considering it. I've never begrudged you Jonathan, and I certainly wouldn't begrudge you anyone else. That's not my place, that's not what we are.

In a war it's pretty stupid to use up all your ammunition in such an early skirmish, isn't it? Perhaps I should have waited longer before writing you this. I should have held back and sent you more presents, or actually gotten up the nerve to come to you directly with some romantic gesture. I'm not saying it's over. I'm not saying I'm giving up or you're going to get off this light. But I couldn't wait any longer to give you this, either.

And even now I'm thinking of a million things I wish I could say but don't have words for. I know there are a lot of differences in the worlds we come from, and we're really different people. But what you've given me, the only reason I could point to for "why I love you" - which you asked me, didn't you? - is that being with you makes me stop and think about a lot of things I take for granted, about myself and about the world. I don't know if I would have made it through this last year without you.

I hope you enjoy the earrings, if not this letter.

Love,

Mikado

Edited 2016-06-08 20:57 (UTC)

[It's a very simple thing. A knock on the door, he may find it outside her door, or somewhere he may frequent. But there's an origami flower left for him. Written on one petal is his name, and on the other is simply 'thank you'.]

[Good god, what a wordy young man, Dio thought, though he was smiling a little as he sat in his sarcophagus and read the letter.

It was certainly lengthy, and brought up numerous good points. Dio found himself rereading it a couple of times, and nearly finding something new each time. It was strange enough though... reading him say that he wanted him to tear him apart but also kiss him back together.

And Dio also really appreciated it when he mentioned not wanting him to be someone who didn't want to hurt people. That was nice, being accepted as he is, for once. The only person in this whole damn settlement, it seemed. Even if he knew all of his worst parts. And he did. He knew the very worst of him.

He supposed that bred some manner of camaraderie.

Well, he didn't want to just show up on his doorstep(or in his bed) yet, instead deciding that he should at least send the kid a text in response to this gift and letter. He'd been managing not to say anything about the others so far, but really.... you can't ignore something like this.]

Thank you, Mikado.

I think I understand more now. Would you like to meet up sometime soon? You know how I am about the network versus meeting in person.

Also if we meet in person, I can wriggle my tentacles into you some more.

[You silly thing. It's your birthday. Dio appreciates the flower, though, and it goes into his room, and onto his bookshelf. It isn't often that he hears a 'thank you', nor often that he gets it written ~~unless you are Mikado, it seems~~.

Anyway, she needs at least one gift in return, and it might not be a great one, but Dio snuck his way into her cottage, leaving her a flower headband on her bed(or whatever she used as a sleeping surface). On the inside, a small, ornate "D" was carefully carved with a fingernail.

She had mentioned she liked flowers, right? They were unfortunately not very colorful, made of small, rusted scrap metal, but he tried to give it some color variation.]

[After her wandering around, she managed to find the flower headband on her bed. That...she didn't expect to see.]

Did you make this? Thank you. It's lovely.

[Dio frowned. He had at least expected to be scolded a little bit for letting his temper get the better of him, even if he had just rationalized why they would be letting their tempers get out of hand.]

I think we're a little way off from that, still.

There is still so much to fix, so much that... separates us. Makes others feel lesser or greater than another person. Though we've all lost much, there are obviously others who live in more comfort and some who have very little.

It's all very unequal, and there will be clashes for the foreseeable future.

Ah, you're... welcome.

[He's not terribly used to things he makes being 'lovely'.]

Happy Birthday.

Thanks Dio.

Remind me to give you a kiss later. Or at least invite you to watch the stars with me.

Kissing beneath the stars, hm? I like it.

As much as I want to say you're wrong, I can't disagree with you.

[She raises her eyebrows.]

We are unequal here. And some of us have a better grip on their temper then others. Which may make it worse.

Even if they feel it's justified.

Even if they just kept it to a punch out match when they could have ripped off they other person's head clean off.

[There's your scolding. She sighed.]

Punching maniac.

Me too. Maybe when my powers are a little stronger...if you don't mind heights, I can take you to the sky for a bit.

But you'll have to hold my hand the whole time. Sorry.

Or I could take you, tonight! [He laughs a bit at that. Really, he hasn't told her much about his powers, has he? Maybe someday he can tell her about laser eyes and stuff.]

Or some other night, if you'd like. I'm not in a hurry.

You didn't tell me you could do that!

[She laughs, delighted. Oh gosh really? Really really?]

Tonight! Let's do it tonight. Pretty please?

[Okay he was going to take it seriously but then she called him a 'punching maniac' and he could not help but laugh aloud.]

Hey, sometimes a fist-fight is best! It at least gets all of your grievances out in the open and allows you to burn off some steam.

Feels good! Like exercise! Exercise that can make you bleed!

[That wasn't weird!]

[She's not going to say anything. She is just going to give him a look.

And flick him between the eyes.]

Well, you never asked! [And there was no point in saying 'well don't most vampires fly?' when he wasn't like many other vampires, and he was trying to distance himself from the term anyway.]

Of course we could do it tonight.

Silly me! Man. Every time we talk, I find out another reason you're amazing.

[She means it, as affectionate as she sounds.]

But great! I'm looking forward to it. I'll see you then.

Ah!

[Ok, ok! He was going to stop his grinning now to pout a little.]

Nnnhh... yeah, yeah. I know. I made that fighting thing because I just... I really enjoy it. Back when I was a boy, it was how we passed the time. [Him and the other kids in London? Him and Jonathan? Yes.]

And I'm trying to get control of my temper but... I just get so fucking angry sometimes.

That's what you have the fight club for. And I did hear a little from Jonathan how he used to watch fighting and such.

And I admit, I...can't do that. I can't just try to punch someone and feel better. If I fight, I go for the kill.

[She wrinkles her nose.]

That's how I was trained. Anyway. Would you do the same thing over again?

Oh, Jonathan and I used to fight like cats and dogs! Sometimes in the middle of a ring of other boys. Don't let that big teddy bear act fool you, he got that body from somewhere.

[He was mostly teasing. Jonathan WAS a giant teddy bear. He was just also a teddy bear who would stand up and fight if need be. And he was good at it.]

I don't know. I could lie and say it'll never happen again, but truth be told, I don't have that kind of a hold on my temper yet. It's something I'm trying to work on, but I can't guarantee I won't fail.

I can say that I will make every attempt not to have a repeat.

Pffft. He's like a super hero teddy bear.

[She's teasing too, mostly. Though that is a cute image.

She does, however, lean forward and peck Dio on the cheek.]

That's all I can ask for. Thank you Dio. For trying. And not lying to me.

Zexion's party-in-a-book is tonight. Are you going?

I think it would be a nice opportunity for a quiet moment away from things.

It's a beach thing, right? Hopefully the sun sets there as well. I'd hate to fall asleep on you. And not only because I'm terribly heavy.

IC Inbox/ DIO's Diary

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[shot to the heart...]

6/9; a gift

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6/9; a gift in return

well now she HAS to message him back

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He's not opposed to this

stop making her smitten dio

Neverrrrr!!!

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PSSSSH

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