IC Inbox/ DIO's Diary

[dioception]

[It is easy enough to send a private message to DIO, but anything written here would be visible only to recipients and to those who hold his book in their hands.]
{I'll pretty this post up more in the future}

Comments

[totallysane]

And how do you gauge true devotion?

[dioception]

[Aaah, now he's come to the right man. As a former deity, he knew the qualities of the best devotees. You know, for his own purposes, in any case.]

There are many types of devotion,
Mikado, but the most important thing is that a devotee be willing to sacrifice themselves for the one they are devoted to, without asking anything in return.

It calls for loyalty, selflessness, and resolve. Though the things I look for in devotees differ slightly from what most people look for, these are the basics that remain the same.

[totallysane]

That "not asking anything in return" thing sounds pretty hard. Are you just supposed to trust the person you're devoted to, to do what's best for you? Or is that not even supposed to matter either?

[dioception]

That's what separates the devoted from the rest.

[totallysane]

You don't think I'm capable of it, do you?

[dioception]

Not in the least, Thriller. I can't really fault you that.

But you'll play at it convincingly, hm?

[totallysane]

Apparently not that convincingly.

[dioception]

Not to me, no.

You can't really convince me of much though, don't feel bad. I've known true devotion, and I'd never in a million years believe that you would give me a fraction of the worship I'd been given previously.

The people who readily gave me their lives nightly. People who willingly decapitated themselves for my benefit, before rebirth was an option. And of course, the one who had devoted his life to bringing about Heaven at my side. [Was it obvious enough that he missed them?]

You couldn't measure up, but perhaps your energy is best spent elsewhere.

[totallysane]

No, I couldn't do those things.

There are things I'm trying to do though. The blood, that's one thing. Making things for you, that's another. You know my body is available, though you're probably drowning in those kinds of offers.

I couldn't promise everything I am to anyone though, that's true, because it would require only caring about that one person, and no one else. If I offered up what would hurt my friends for me to give, that would be a problem. I already lie, now.

[dioception]

You enjoy being drained though, and while I've yet to figure out whether you actually enjoy the sex or not, it benefits you as well.

You do things for me because it benefits you to do so. Not because you feel any sort of devotion to me. I can feel the difference in our every interaction.

The way you speak, how you hold yourself around me.

Each time we meet, it is a business transaction. Nothing more.

[totallysane]

Is that really how you want it? YOu didn't give me that impression, sometimes.

Is that really how it has to be?

I won't deny that I enjoy it, but can't something be an equal exchange without being that cold?

[dioception]

Do you truly believe that anything inside of me is not that cold?

[totallysane]

I do believe that.

[dioception]

Then you are more foolish than I thought.

[totallysane]

No, just tired.

I give up, you win, you always win. Call me when you're hungry or want to fuck.

[dioception]

Thank you for acknowledging that.

I'll consider it.

[totallysane]

If you trust me enough for a meal sometime, call me. I'd be glad to let you restrain me in whatever way made you feel safe.

Really, I just want to be sure you understand why. It wasn't about you and me.

All that stuff you said to me about loyalty though, there's one loyalty I've always had above all others. And I heard from your own mouth what you did to him.

He's gone now. It would have been over either way. It's between you if he returns. But just once, even if it was too late, even if it couldn't save him from being hurt, I had to do something for the person who'd been my most precious person since I was a child.

I'm not sorry.

But if you're hungry, or you want something to hurt, you know where to find me.

[dioception]

You'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd just love it. You get to blow my fucking head off and then get to be tormented to your heart's content.

I'll go hungry, thanks.

[totallysane]

I would.

I would love to call it done and go back to business as usual. It'd be the best possible outcome for me.

But it was only an offer.

[dioception]

For you.

What about for ME? I can't trust you anymore. I can't trust anyone. At any moment, you could find someone you like more than me and find out I hurt them in the past and then go and kill me again without any warning.

You hurt me, and maybe I deserved it. But that means we'll never go back to business as usual. We can't. I could never feel comfortable around you again.

[totallysane]

I understand.

I accepted that as a possibility when I decided to do it. It wasn't an easy to choice to make. You were one of my longest-running partners here. But he was the person I cared most about in the world for most of my life.

I told you, if you wanted to, you could do anything you like to me to make yourself feel safe. Restrain me or whatever.

Or you can stay away. I'm not going to attack you out of nowhere. It's done.

[dioception]

I had thought you were my friend.

Now all I have is Jonathan, and he doesn't even

he just

[He pities him. It feels nice in the moment, but then it dissipates, and is made sour when Dio thinks about it later.]

Just leave me alone. [Maybe he'd be willing to go see him when he was starving and unable to ask Jonathan for fear of the effect that blood will have on him, but for right now, he didn't want anything to do with Mikado.]

[totallysane]

I know. I was. I wanted to be, at least.

But now you feel just like the rest of us. Scared. Vulnerable.

That's how the people you hurt feel, the ones who aren't like me and don't ask for it.

And that's how I felt, when I went to touch someone I loved and he was skittish and it took me that long to find out why.

Welcome to the world the rest of us have always lived in, Dio.

[dioception]

[He doesn't like it. And worse, he doesn't have an argument against it. He was afraid. Anyone could kill him, if Mikado could. The only thing that allowed him to trust others was the fact that he felt he could easily defeat them. Now what?]

I said leave me alone.

[totallysane]

Right. Okay.

Don't disappear, though.