dioception | IC Inbox/ DIO's Diary

It seriously stings to hear what he has to say, and Jonathan's eyes are wide as saucers as he locks gazes with the other man, lower lip quivering intensely as he struggled not to break down. His grip on the fabric of his pants is tight enough that his knuckles turn white, desperate to have some sort of anchor to keep him from floating away from just how fucking bad this feels.

"I don't want to pretend anything, and I don't... I don't want things to be over." Jonathan struggles to find his words, to explain his feelings... he doesn't even fully know how to explain himself, considering how new a revelation this even was for him. "You're important to me, more than anyone here, and I don't want to lose you." Selfish selfish selfish. "It just... I don't think it can be exactly the same."

Dio just got up from his spot, moving to get off of the bed. "So what, I just stick it out in a relationship with someone who isn't in love with me? Just suck it up, because just 'loving' me should be good enough?"

He closed his eyes, holding back years enough to be properly angry as he took off his bracelet, leaving it on the night stand.

"Thanks, Jonathan, really means a lot to me."

That action of taking off the bracelet is enough to finally pull a sob out of Jonathan, the consequences of his actions really truly sinking in, hands covering his face and forehead pressing against his knees as he tried not to just sit there and just wail in his confusion and sadness.

"I'm sorry, I don't know, I don't know what I want and I don't understand what I'm doing anymore, because I was happy how we were and now I just fucked the whole thing up and I don't know." Yes, he actually cursed for once in his life, that's how badly in turmoil he was right about now. "I care about you and I don't want to lose you entirely!"

At least Jonathan swearing gives him pause. Enough pause for a small moment of clarity. He has to stop his emotions for a moment, think logically. It isn't easy. Really, he just... wants a drink.

"It hurt me, every day", he explained, wanting to leave, but afraid of where he might go. "Every time we touched, every time I sat beside you. I can always feel it. It's not that you don't want me. It's that you don't really want anything to do with me very much. You can't even think of things that you love about me."

Tears were falling again, but he was more controlled this time. "Meanwhile, I can't tear my eyes away from you, and is not just about sex. Your eyes, your smile, the peaceful expression on your face as you sleep or read. In a crowded room, no one is more important to me than you, but you're engrossed in everyone else but me."

"I guess I really am the Moon, and you my Sun."

Jonathan lets him speak, absorbing his words and curling further in on himself the longer he talked. He'd never felt so utterly ashamed in his life, even if he had nothing to be ashamed about, considering he couldn't help how he felt... yet it was just like daggers had been repeatedly stabbed into his chest nonetheless.

"Your ambition, your determination, your intelligence, your dedication, your confidence, your charisma... you're a wonderful conversational partner and offer insight and points of view that sometimes I don't even consider, and there's no one here I'd rather waste a day with talking about anything and nothing than with you." He murmurs this very quietly, halfheartedly, wanting to prove Dio wrong and yet feeling like an ass for doing it, somehow.

"I... I think I could have been in love with you, had things gone differently. If Erina had never came back. If we'd only just managed to understand each other like we did when fighting before things got out of hand." He murmurs, looking up at him with puffy red eyes. "But I don't think I can give my heart to two."

Yeah, as usual, Dio was just too late. Far too late. Someone else already had his heart, and there was no room left for Dio. Typical.

"Goodnight, Jonathan", was Dio's only reply, the vampire glaring down at the ground bitterly. He dodge have it in him right now. If he'd have forced himself to fade, back when he had The World Over Heaven, he could have at least gone out deluding himself that Jonathan could truly love him. Instead, he had to be a coward.

With that thought, Dio stated making his way or of the room, headed for his own room. Might as well go where he belonged, right?

"Wait-" Jonathan starts to say, desperate, reaching a hand out towards Dio with an utterly miserable expression. But then he retracts it, letting it fall to the bed next to him and leaning his head back to thump against the headboard a bit hard. He didn't know what to do anymore, what to say, how to fix things.... no, he'd just permanently damaged things, hadn't he? He didn't want to lose what he and Dio had, but was it truly fair to keep it going when it meant stringing the other man along? Did... did Jonathan want to love him like that, when he had a wife and Dio had done such horrible things to him in the past? Or was he feeling this way because in some warped way, it was nice being someone's everything and he didn't want to lose that? God, he didn't understand a single thing.

All he ended up doing was breaking the heart of the man that kept him safe and free of most of his lonliness. Jonathan really wished he could just make himself what Dio wanted him to be for him, but in the end, Jonathan was just too much the type to devote his entire heart and soul to one without leaving room for another. As long as he stayed married to Erina, there would be no place for Dio, and Jonathan had no plans on giving up his ring any time soon, not when there was even a fraction of a chance that she could show up one day. This... was all a very big mess.

Dio did wait, but only for a moment. He knew there was nothing that'd patch this up. Dio wasn't lovable enough, and even if he was, Jonathan made it very clear that he'd always be one step down from Erina.

"You want a name for what we are, Jonathan? Roommates. That's it right now." Dio was talking partially out if hurt, but also... that was the most correct, right? They just shared a home.

"I will always hope for you to change your mind, but I know you won't."

"Alright." Jonathan concedes, though the hurt in his voice is obvious. This isn't how he wanted today to go, but after speaking with Mikado as he had... he couldn't just continue to let things lay in the air as they were. He'd made his bed, and now he was going to lay in it.

"I'm sorry, Dio." Maybe one day. Maybe. He could make absolutely no guarentees, but maybe.... one day he could learn that his heart is big enough.

Dio was conflicted. He was hurt, sad, and he wanted to be by himself. But he also didn't want to be alone, and he could hear how hurt Jonathan was as well. Dio loved Jonathan, as truly as he could love anyone, and he didn't want to hurt him, but he was also afraid of being hurt more by being strung along.

He turned around to look at the other man from the doorway. "I love you, Jonathan."

"I love you, too." Even if it wasn't in the intensity that Dio wished it was, he still did, and that was probably more than the blond could've ever hoped for to begin with. Jonathan hated causing him pain, wished that he could assuage Dio's worries by being what he wanted them to be... but he couldn't. He couldn't lie to him just to make him feel better. Jonathan also didn't want to give him false hope and string him along, so he keeps his thoughts about "maybe"s to himself.

"I wish this could've been different."

"You and me both", Dio replied, no longer looking at Jonathan. He had to go now, or he'd break down again, and this time he'd try to curl up in his arms.

He closed his eyes, heaving a sigh and then finally leaving Jonathan's room, headed to lay in his coffin again, wishing desperately that he wasn't afraid to put the lid over it.

IC Inbox/ DIO's Diary

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject