dioception | IC Inbox/ DIO's Diary

Dio, are you available for a somewhat serious conversation?

...I guess?

Would you like to come to me or shall I come to you?

I would rather come to you. My room is not all that comfortable.

[And he will do that now. He's not sure what it could be, but why the hell not?]

Jonathan's waiting for Dio on the bed, his communication book next to him and his expression extremely pensive. He perks up a little when the other man enters the room however, though there is a hint of nervousness to him as he offers a smile and pats the spot next to him.

"Hey. Come join me?"

Ah, Dio didn't like that look. It was... worrisome. Dio grits his teeth, his eyes looking away for a moment to ease the tension. It doesn't work, but he made his way over to the bed, sitting next to Jonathan.

"What is it, Jonathan?"

"I was having a long and complicated conversation with someone." He starts out, finger running down the spine of his book in an absentminded attempt to calm his nerves and keep his hands occupied. "And it raised some questions that I think are really important that I ask."

There's a pregnant pause after this remark, Jonathan taking a deep breath and collecting himself before going in to ask the actual question he really wanted to ask. He didn't know how this was going to go, how he even wanted it to go, but... it needed to be asked.

"I don't understand exactly what we are. What our relationship is."

Ah. They were finally going to talk about that, hm? He couldn't deny that it was a good thing to discuss, all things considered. He pulled himself up onto the bed, sighing as he lay down.

"I don't either, Jojo", he replied, a hand raking through his hair as he averted his eyes once more. "What do you think we are?" That was as good a place to start as any, right? He didn't even have a point of reference, really. Jonathan at least had experience in love.

Excuse him while he takes a moment to think about it, leaning back against the headboard of the bed and drawing his tree trunk legs up against his chest, arms wrapped loosely around his knees. He... what did he think they were? He supposed he hadn't given it much thought, having been content to keep things the way they were... but after talking with Mikado, Jonathan knew he couldn't just keep them hovering in this odd sort of in between zone of uncertainty.

"I don't think we're just friends, and I don't think we're just lovers." He at least starts out with, gazing up at the ceiling to avoid making eye contact with Dio. "The way I feel about you is somewhat different from the love I felt in my marriage. It's... sort of like it's in it's own special category."

Dio wasn't sure what the feeling was. He felt somehow lesser to Jojo than what the other man was to him, though he'd no idea why.

Everyone told him that he was so lucky to have Jonathan, and he was certainly, however, as he lay on the bed, his own eyes averted, he felt how large the distance was between them. Maybe Dio was being unreasonable, but Jonathan meant so much to him, and it felt like... Jonathan was only with him because he was familiar to him. Safe, relatively.

"Jonathan... I don't..."

A deep breath. This was hard to understand. "I don't think you love me as a lover at all. I'm just... as messed up as it sounds... I'm just your brother to you."

Jonathan's dead quiet, the words sinking in his bones and rattling around his skull in a way that made him almost sort of feel a dull ache in his head. His veins felt ice cold, heart clenching in his chest as he considered the words that he had never taken the time to truly think about. Perhaps it was the sex muddling his thoughts, but he'd never felt like they were just brothers... but when he compared this relationship to Erina, there was something of a distinct difference that he had been struggling to understand.

"I meant it when I said I loved you. And I meant it when I said we had a special connection that others can't understand." You could tell from his voice that he was struggling, still realizing his own feelings as he was speaking them. "And I don't know if all I consider you to be is family, but... maybe. Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't love you in the way that you want me to love you." It was a kind of upsetting revelation, and he could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes despite himself. "You're special to me in a way that's different than other people, unique from even Erina, but maybe love doesn't mean in love."

As Jonathan spoke, Dio attempted to remained quiet, the he couldn't hold to it, his throat sealing up and Dio needing to sniffle a couple of times. He already knew it. He knew it, but that didn't make it easier to hear him say it.

Dio sobbed as Jonathan stopped speaking, unable to hold it back. It wasn't a cute, demure thing, Dio's throat clenched tight and his brows knit together as barely-contained tears rolled down his face. He sat up after a moment, letting the crying happen, though he covered his rather unattractive crying face from Jonathan, just nodding to acknowledge he heard and understood him.

Jonathan's unable to prevent himself from crying now that Dio was too, tears rolling down his face in fat streams as he did all he could to hold back any noises that were threatening to come from his throat. Instead he takes a deep shaky breath, knowing that he had to keep talking if Dio couldn't, and as much as he wanted to reach out and comfort him with touch, he felt as though it might just make things worse.

"I'm sorry, Dio." His voice breaks a little despite his best effort, feeling his shirt grow wet from the torrent down his face. "You're my other half, and I can't see my life without you in it, but... I can't give you my heart."

It didn't get any better on Dio's end. By the time Jonathan had finished talking this time, he was not even holding back, looking every bit the wreck he was as he sobbed openly, hands falling away from his face as mucus joined his tears in trying to fall from his face.

"What am I supposed to do, Jonathan?!" He yelled through a hiccup, his eyes finally turning to him. "I love you, God dammit, but what the fuck about ME?!"

Was he being unreasonable? Probably, but he wasn't going to apologize for it. Not this time. "So what now, Jojo?! Are we just supposed to go back to our separate rooms and pretend..." his tears rushed back anew as he gave another sob, "pretend none of this ever happened? Our relationship? Is just over, like that?!"

It seriously stings to hear what he has to say, and Jonathan's eyes are wide as saucers as he locks gazes with the other man, lower lip quivering intensely as he struggled not to break down. His grip on the fabric of his pants is tight enough that his knuckles turn white, desperate to have some sort of anchor to keep him from floating away from just how fucking bad this feels.

"I don't want to pretend anything, and I don't... I don't want things to be over." Jonathan struggles to find his words, to explain his feelings... he doesn't even fully know how to explain himself, considering how new a revelation this even was for him. "You're important to me, more than anyone here, and I don't want to lose you." Selfish selfish selfish. "It just... I don't think it can be exactly the same."

Dio just got up from his spot, moving to get off of the bed. "So what, I just stick it out in a relationship with someone who isn't in love with me? Just suck it up, because just 'loving' me should be good enough?"

He closed his eyes, holding back years enough to be properly angry as he took off his bracelet, leaving it on the night stand.

"Thanks, Jonathan, really means a lot to me."

That action of taking off the bracelet is enough to finally pull a sob out of Jonathan, the consequences of his actions really truly sinking in, hands covering his face and forehead pressing against his knees as he tried not to just sit there and just wail in his confusion and sadness.

"I'm sorry, I don't know, I don't know what I want and I don't understand what I'm doing anymore, because I was happy how we were and now I just fucked the whole thing up and I don't know." Yes, he actually cursed for once in his life, that's how badly in turmoil he was right about now. "I care about you and I don't want to lose you entirely!"

At least Jonathan swearing gives him pause. Enough pause for a small moment of clarity. He has to stop his emotions for a moment, think logically. It isn't easy. Really, he just... wants a drink.

"It hurt me, every day", he explained, wanting to leave, but afraid of where he might go. "Every time we touched, every time I sat beside you. I can always feel it. It's not that you don't want me. It's that you don't really want anything to do with me very much. You can't even think of things that you love about me."

Tears were falling again, but he was more controlled this time. "Meanwhile, I can't tear my eyes away from you, and is not just about sex. Your eyes, your smile, the peaceful expression on your face as you sleep or read. In a crowded room, no one is more important to me than you, but you're engrossed in everyone else but me."

"I guess I really am the Moon, and you my Sun."

Jonathan lets him speak, absorbing his words and curling further in on himself the longer he talked. He'd never felt so utterly ashamed in his life, even if he had nothing to be ashamed about, considering he couldn't help how he felt... yet it was just like daggers had been repeatedly stabbed into his chest nonetheless.

"Your ambition, your determination, your intelligence, your dedication, your confidence, your charisma... you're a wonderful conversational partner and offer insight and points of view that sometimes I don't even consider, and there's no one here I'd rather waste a day with talking about anything and nothing than with you." He murmurs this very quietly, halfheartedly, wanting to prove Dio wrong and yet feeling like an ass for doing it, somehow.

"I... I think I could have been in love with you, had things gone differently. If Erina had never came back. If we'd only just managed to understand each other like we did when fighting before things got out of hand." He murmurs, looking up at him with puffy red eyes. "But I don't think I can give my heart to two."

Yeah, as usual, Dio was just too late. Far too late. Someone else already had his heart, and there was no room left for Dio. Typical.

"Goodnight, Jonathan", was Dio's only reply, the vampire glaring down at the ground bitterly. He dodge have it in him right now. If he'd have forced himself to fade, back when he had The World Over Heaven, he could have at least gone out deluding himself that Jonathan could truly love him. Instead, he had to be a coward.

With that thought, Dio stated making his way or of the room, headed for his own room. Might as well go where he belonged, right?

"Wait-" Jonathan starts to say, desperate, reaching a hand out towards Dio with an utterly miserable expression. But then he retracts it, letting it fall to the bed next to him and leaning his head back to thump against the headboard a bit hard. He didn't know what to do anymore, what to say, how to fix things.... no, he'd just permanently damaged things, hadn't he? He didn't want to lose what he and Dio had, but was it truly fair to keep it going when it meant stringing the other man along? Did... did Jonathan want to love him like that, when he had a wife and Dio had done such horrible things to him in the past? Or was he feeling this way because in some warped way, it was nice being someone's everything and he didn't want to lose that? God, he didn't understand a single thing.

All he ended up doing was breaking the heart of the man that kept him safe and free of most of his lonliness. Jonathan really wished he could just make himself what Dio wanted him to be for him, but in the end, Jonathan was just too much the type to devote his entire heart and soul to one without leaving room for another. As long as he stayed married to Erina, there would be no place for Dio, and Jonathan had no plans on giving up his ring any time soon, not when there was even a fraction of a chance that she could show up one day. This... was all a very big mess.

Dio did wait, but only for a moment. He knew there was nothing that'd patch this up. Dio wasn't lovable enough, and even if he was, Jonathan made it very clear that he'd always be one step down from Erina.

"You want a name for what we are, Jonathan? Roommates. That's it right now." Dio was talking partially out if hurt, but also... that was the most correct, right? They just shared a home.

"I will always hope for you to change your mind, but I know you won't."

"Alright." Jonathan concedes, though the hurt in his voice is obvious. This isn't how he wanted today to go, but after speaking with Mikado as he had... he couldn't just continue to let things lay in the air as they were. He'd made his bed, and now he was going to lay in it.

"I'm sorry, Dio." Maybe one day. Maybe. He could make absolutely no guarentees, but maybe.... one day he could learn that his heart is big enough.

Dio was conflicted. He was hurt, sad, and he wanted to be by himself. But he also didn't want to be alone, and he could hear how hurt Jonathan was as well. Dio loved Jonathan, as truly as he could love anyone, and he didn't want to hurt him, but he was also afraid of being hurt more by being strung along.

He turned around to look at the other man from the doorway. "I love you, Jonathan."

"I love you, too." Even if it wasn't in the intensity that Dio wished it was, he still did, and that was probably more than the blond could've ever hoped for to begin with. Jonathan hated causing him pain, wished that he could assuage Dio's worries by being what he wanted them to be... but he couldn't. He couldn't lie to him just to make him feel better. Jonathan also didn't want to give him false hope and string him along, so he keeps his thoughts about "maybe"s to himself.

"I wish this could've been different."

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dioception - 2016-06-04 04:11 (UTC) - Expand

IC Inbox/ DIO's Diary

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